New reading offered: Personalized, Satirical Chart Analysis

These written, 1,000-word portraits take an absurd look at your chart and life, making all manner of stereotypes, baseless assumptions and predictions drawing on the stereotypes of astrology. It’s different from any other humorous look at astrology because it’s tailored to you and your chart, drawing on the actual placements in your chart. There’s nothing else like it out there.

The entertainment value is independent of a knowledge of astrology, making them a great gift for anyone you know who retains the capacity to laugh and/or enjoy things.

Details
What: A unique, personalized 1,000 written satirical astrological analysis of your chart
What’s needed: Name and full birth data of the person to be read for (day/month/year, time of day, location of birth) – include this in the notes section of the PayPal payment or send me an e-mail just after the payment
Investment: $30 introductory price ($35 after November 1st), payable via PayPal (payment address is tom at tdjacobs dot com)
When to expect it: Allow two weeks for e-mail delivery

Excerpts from actual readings:
1.
Your Pluto is in Virgo in the 10th house. Uranus in Virgo in the 11th is conjunct it, indicating that the deepest desires of your soul center on helping prepare society for the coming devastation from the invading alien hordes that are now but a few light years from earth. With Sun in Libra/11th, you will be chosen as the human ambassador to the alien force. This Sun is sextile Mars in Sagittarius in the 2nd house, a clear indication that your greatest allies in your preparation for your future role are fundamentalist farmers, from whom you can learn key agricultural tehniques that will come in handy when the alien invaders enslave the rest of humanity and unrealistically expect them to farm diamonds and mine corn.

2.
The North Node is in Leo in the 5th house, indicating that your most significant avenue for growth in this life is to get louder and louder, to make as much as noise about yourself as possible. Its ruler is the Sun, in Aries in the 1st house, conjunct Mercury. This means that the way to do this will be to develop and create your own multilevel marketing scheme, one that’s based on how wonderful you are, on letting people know in a variety of ways how spectacular a human being you offer the planet the benefit of being exposed to. This conjunction is square the Cancer Moon in the 4th house. This means that when your family stages interventions at your televised birthday parties to beg you to give up your explosive, viral megalomania (which at that point will be spreading like wildfire over the globe), you must fight them tooth and nail until they leave you alone. You must at all costs be victorious when the enormous size and radical expression of your ego is in any way challenged.

3.
Your Sun is in Virgo in the 6th house, opposing Pisces Moon in the 12th and square Neptune in Sagittarius/8th. This t-square is a clear indication that all the time you spend being down on yourself for the lies you insist in telling yourself about your made-up faults could be infinitely better spent lying to others about their faults. You have the unique ability to see the faults of others, and maintaining sanity in this life for you is to learn to acknowledge your perceptions of others, inflate them beyond belief, and then abuse others with them.

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I’ve been practicing astrology professionally for over three years, and writing satire for almost a decade. I’ve done these readings for friends now and then for a few years, and people loved them so much that I’m offering them as a service in addition to the karmic, soul-centered readings I do. If you’re curious about that work, see http://tdjacobs.com.

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September 24, 2007 By Tom Jacobs